Paul Hardingham continues his new series.
What’s the Big Idea? An Introduction to the Books of the Old Testament:
1 and 2 Samuel.
1 and 2 Samuel was originally a single work, which focuses on Samuel, Saul and David, around 1,000 BC, mid-way between Abraham and Jesus. It was Samuel who established the monarchy in Israel after the period of the judges. He was commanded by God to give the people a king, although their request is seen as a rejection of God’s rule over Israel (8:7).
The people simply wanted to be like other nations, however their king was still subject to God’s law and the word of the prophet. Although Samuel anointed Saul, he soon showed an unwillingness to submit to these requirements, leading to his rejection as king (15:23). God chose David as Saul’s successor, and 1 Samuel depicts David’s years of waiting until the right time arrived to claim the throne.
2 Samuel depicts David’s rule, in which the nation prospers and its enemies are defeated. The promise of the perfect king is fulfilled in Jesus Himself, as David’s descendant. The second half of the book depicts the darker side of David’s reign, describing his weaknesses and failures, including his adultery with Bathsheba and the rebellion of his son Absalom.
Nevertheless, David remained a man after God’s own heart: ‘The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7). The characters in this book are not always great examples of faith, however, ‘They do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live, authenticating the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work his purposes of salvation in us and in the world.’ (Eugene Peterson).
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Prospect of winter energy bills causing anxiety for millions, says Archbishop of York
Millions are looking ahead to this winter with ‘fear and anxiety’ about the cost of heating their homes, the Archbishop of York has said as he backed the recent launch of a campaign to provide a network of warm spaces for people who struggle to pay their energy bills.
Archbishop Stephen Cottrell is encouraging churches to consider getting involved in the Warm Welcome campaign, a network of venues from community centres to churches providing warm spaces over the winter for people struggling to heat their homes
.
Archbishop Stephen said: “Sadly, what began as a cost-of-living crisis has simply become the new normal for many.
“Millions of people will look ahead to this winter with fear and anxiety, wondering how they are going to cope with high living costs. That is why I am proud to endorse the Warm Welcome campaign this winter.
“But a warm welcome isn’t only about the temperature. It is about kindness and community, giving people the chance to be seen and known, to belong and to be part of something. It is about celebrating the God-given value and dignity of every single person, finding hope and community together. But of course, none of that will happen if people are cold.”
The Warm Welcome campaign is led by a coalition of over 50 charitable organisations who joined together in response to the cost of living crisis to provide emergency support to communities struggling to pay for rising food costs and to heat their homes.
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The mysterious ways of mistletoe
Mistletoe has long been used as part of our Christmas decorations. It is not your usual kind of plant.
Instead, it is hemiparasitic, meaning that although its leaves enable it to feed itself through photosynthesis, its roots invade the host tree or shrub to extract water and other nutrients
.
Mistletoe loves living in apple, lime, hawthorn, poplar or oak trees. You may spot it high up, as a large globe, on the bare trees in winter. There is one spectacular example in Windsor Great Park, clearly visible from the path on the opposite side of the Thames
.
Mistletoe’s berries are almost translucent, fleshy and sticky. They form in the forks of mistletoe’s many branches. While they are toxic to humans, they are attractive to birds, who wipe the remaining seeds off their beaks onto the nearest branch, which of course helps the plant to spread.
For some reason, Romans thought mistletoe represented Peace, Love and Understanding. Perhaps that is how it got into our Christmas celebrations? The earliest documentary evidence for kissing under mistletoe dates from the 16th century, but we don’t know who got kissed first.
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Doctor Livingstone, I presume?
It was 150 years ago, on 10th November 1871, that Welsh journalist and explorer Henry Morton Stanley located the missing missionary Dr David Livingstone near Lake Tanganyika, in present-day Tanzania. He may or may not have greeted him with the words: “Doctor Livingstone, I presume?”
Stanley’s real name was John Rowlands. He was born in Denbigh to an unmarried 18-year-old who abandoned him. He ended up in a workhouse until he was 15, then went to America, where he changed his name and became an American citizen. When he found Livingstone, he was working for the New York Herald.
Known for his strength of will, Stanley also had an African name – Bula Matari – Breaker of Rocks. Much of his life was spent in Central Africa, and his reputation was mixed: he was said by some to be violent toward Africans, but by others to have treated them well. His feats as an explorer were impressive: he played a big part in locating the true source of both the Nile and the Congo, and he helped open up the Congo on behalf of King Leopold of Belgium.
Though not overtly religious, he felt he was engaged in a “sacred task”. He was re-naturalised a British subject in 1892, following his marriage.
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All in the month of March
It was:
300 years ago, on 8th March 1723 that Sir Christopher Wren, English architect, died. Best known for designing St Paul’s Cathedral.
125 years ago, on 16th March 1898 that Aubrey Beardsley, British illustrator, died. His black ink drawings, influenced by Japanese woodcuts, contributed to the development of Art Nouveau.
100 years ago, on 4th March 1923 that Patrick Moore, the amateur astronomer, TV presenter, writer and musician was born. Best known for presenting the TV astronomy show The Sky at Night for over 50 years. (Died 2012)
80 years ago, on 13th March 1943 that the final liquidation of Krakow Ghetto in Poland took place. 8,000 Jews were transported to Plaszow labour camp, 2000 more were simply killed in the streets, and the rest were sent to Auschwitz.
70 years ago, on 19th March 1953 that the Academy Awards ceremony (the Oscars) were televised for the first time.
Also 70 years ago, on 26th March 1953 that Dr Jonas Salk announced that he had completed the first small-scale test of a polio vaccine. Larger tests began in February 1954, and mass vaccinations began in April 1955.
65 years ago, on 2nd March 1958 that the first land crossing of Antarctica was completed by the Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition, led by Vivian Fuchs. The team of 12 men travelled 2,158 miles from Shackleton Base to Scott Base (via the South Pole) in 99 days, using six vehicles.
60 years ago, on 22nd March 1963 that the British Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, made a statement in the House of Commons in which he denied there was any impropriety in his relationship with Christine Keeler, a model who was also in a sexual relationship with a drug dealer and a Soviet naval attaché. (In June he admitted he had lied, and resigned.)
50 years ago, on 8th March 1973 that the citizens of Northern Ireland voted in a referendum to remain within the United Kingdom. That same day the IRA carried out its first bombing in Britain since WWII, planting car bombs in London. One person died, 200 were injured.
40 years ago, on 6th March 1983 that Donald Maclean, British-born Soviet spy died. He was a member of the Cambridge Spy Ring.
Also 40 years ago, on 26th March 1983, that Anthony Blunt, British art historian and Soviet spy, died.
25 years ago, on 16th March 1998 that Rwanda began mass trials for the country’s 1994 genocide. There were 125,000 suspects for 500,000 murders.
20 years ago, on 1st March 2003 that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the al-Qaeda terrorist who masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the USA, was captured in Pakistan.
Also 20 years ago, on 12th March 2003 that the World Health Organisation issued a global alert about a severe form of pneumonia (now known as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome – SARS) that was affecting people in China, Hong Kong and Vietnam.
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Isherwood Hall. (The original hall)
Tables and chairs are available.
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August Magazine 2026
NOTE FROM THE EDITORS
Welcome to your August magazine, as always we would welcome some articles from within our parish, home grown articles are so much better than those we source from elsewhere.
As a matter of interest to the editors, if you enjoy the crossword, Anagrams or Sudoku, even if you don't send in a completed solution, please let us know so we can continue to include them in future editions.
Updated 1st August 2026
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Let’s not take our cathedrals for granted
US Vice-President JD Vance may have criticised an art installation at Canterbury Cathedral – but a new report shows that the Church of England’s cathedrals are its most popular places of worship. They are also vital centres of community, arts and music and are major tourist attractions.
But the latest research shows that many of the historic buildings are facing major financial challenges.
Religion think-tank Theos has published a detailed report looking at the role of cathedrals in modern England. The report, ‘Living Stones: English Cathedrals as Sacred Spaces in Changing Times,’ revealed that more than three-quarters (77 per cent) of adults in England had visited a cathedral at least once in the past three years.
The research showed that “Cathedrals reach beyond regular churchgoers. A majority of those with no religious affiliation have visited a cathedral in the last three years, and many enjoy worship, music, prayer or stillness while doing so.”
Other research confirms that cathedrals have significant economic benefits, generating around £235 million of additional expenditure in their local communities a year, creating more than 6,000 jobs and mobilising 13,000 volunteers.
Yet the Theos research also points out that four out of five of the cathedrals operate ‘in structural deficit’ with no guaranteed national funding for their core functions.
In recent years, cathedrals have attracted criticism for activities aimed at drawing new visitors into their buildings. Last autumn, JD Vance criticised an art installation at Canterbury Cathedral, saying that the graffiti-style artworks had made “a beautiful historical building really ugly.”
Other cathedrals have prompted complaints after installing a temporary fairground ‘helter-skelter’ inside the building or hosting silent discos.
Research from the Bible Society has shown that one of the top three places for people with no religion, or non-practising Christians to encounter the Bible was while sightseeing in a cathedral or church.
But one of the Theos report’s main findings highlights the growing gap “between the scale of public benefit cathedrals provide and the level of recognition, understanding and support they receive.”
The report concludes that, to survive and thrive, cathedrals need sustainable investment from funders that recognise the cathedrals’ public benefits.
It also encourages visitors and local community members to consider joining a ‘friends’ scheme or making a regular donation.
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Church is cool place to be
David Pickup, a solicitor, considers church buildings
About noon the following day, Peter went up on the roof to pray… (Acts 10 9)
This is a special passage for me, as it was the first one I read as part of Scripture Union reading notes at the age of 13. It fits in neatly with the theme of how people in Bible times kept cool.
Two thousand years ago, houses were built of traditional materials like stone and wattle. Windows were high up to help reduce smells from outside. Wooden lattice was used in wall openings and doorways usually faced south or east to increase light and warmth from the sun. In the hot months, people spent the evenings on their roof to enjoy the cooler air. This is where St Peter was when he had a vision of God’s welcoming to all Jewish people also to all others.
Have you thought of opening your church up as a cool place? Like most things it needs to be planned carefully with ground rules, clarity and safety uppermost. Can people bring their own drinks? Are you offering prayer spaces as well? Who will run it? It may be an option as churches are usually cool and could offer drinks and company. Probably not a good idea on the roof!
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National unity and global challenges discussed in final meeting of this General Synod
A call for Christians to promote national unity in a time of polarisation, and the theological case for protecting the planet, were among the issues discussed at the final group of sessions of the last General Synod.
Among the materials published for discussion was ‘Hope for All Creation: a theological response to the environmental crises,’ a landmark new theological teaching document from the House of Bishops. It offers a theological framework for responding to environmental crises that draws on the Anglican tradition and the life and worship of the Church.
Synod also approved a significant change to the ecclesiastical calendar, by introducing a new annual ‘Festival of Creation in Christ’.
Another key liturgical change given final approval was the introduction of an annual commemoration of the ‘21 Martyrs of Libya’ – a group of Christian men who were killed for their faith in Christ by Isis terrorists 10 years ago. The annual commemoration will be a vivid reminder of how Christians are still persecuted around the world today.
Elections will be held in the autumn for the next five-year term of the new General Synod.
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New more generous support for ordinands as the numbers in training rise
The Church of England has recently announced a multi-million-pound overhaul of the maintenance grant system for people training for ordained ministry, aimed at ensuring that ordinands get the support that they need.
Around £2 million extra per year is to be invested in a redesigned and more generous grant scheme for people training for ordained ministry in the Church of England.
The announcement comes as the number of people entering training has risen, after four years of decline. 442 entered training in September last year, compared to 329 the year before.
The arrangements, starting from the 2026/27 academic year, will provide eligible ordinands in full-time training with non means-tested maintenance grants of between £17,141 and £26,127, calculated according to average housing costs in three designated ‘zones’ throughout the country.
Part-time ordinands will receive an annual grant of £1,000 to help with costs during training such as paying for computer equipment and books, in addition to being able to claim travel expenses.
The new system is part of the new Ministry Training Fund, or MTF, and wants to ensure greater clarity, consistency and an easier way of accessing financial support while in training.
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‘Strong Christian presence in elite football’ – new research
75 per cent of professional football clubs across England and Wales have Christian players in their first-team squads.
That is according to a recent study commissioned by Christians in Sport. The study, supported by Eido Research, also revealed the extent of Christian activities taking place within elite football:
75 per cent of clubs within the top six tiers of men’s football include Christian players. 40 per cent of clubs regularly host events such as Bible studies and prayer meetings. From a 90 per cent response to the study from Premier League clubs, half reported regular Christian gatherings. More than a third of these activities are player-led.
The research was based on feedback from 134 clubs (164 clubs were contacted).
Dr Graham Daniels, general director of Christians in Sport and a former footballer at Cambridge United, said: “Christianity is not disappearing from professional football; it is far more present than most people realise.”
Christians in Sport, whose vision is ‘reaching the world of sport for Christ’, celebrates its 50th anniversary this year.
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Celebrations to mark 250th birthday of Welsh hymn writer
A celebration to mark 250 years since the birth of one of Wales’s most important hymn-writers will take place this month.
Ann Griffiths was born on a farm near Llanfihangel-yng-Ngwnfa in Powys in 1776 and is buried in the churchyard of St Michael’s Church in the village.
The Revd Dr Cass Meurig says: “Ann is considered an iconic figure in Wales and a Christian poet of national importance. Her hymns are regarded as some of the finest in the Welsh language, and the story of her powerful conversion and short life has become an inspiration to many.”
The celebration is on 12th July in Neuadd Llanfihangel-yng-Ngwnfa Village Hall. ‘Noson Ann’, will be an evening of worship in the Welsh language to celebrate her birth; to sing her hymns and listen to items by local singers from the area. Ann was buried at the church in 1805, following her death at the age of 29.
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August Diary Page
Holy Communion service each Sunday at 9.00am (Said BCP service)
Sung Eucharist each Sunday at 10.00am (Common Worship)
Holy Communion each Tuesday at 10.00am (Said BCP service)
Said Evening Prayer each Sunday at 6.30pm.
BIBLE STUDY (via ZOOM) EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 7PM DURING TERM TIME.
PRAYER MEETING FIRST MONDAY IN THE MONTH 7pm IN CHURCH
Saturday 1st
9.30am Churchyard tidy / Church cleaning
Sunday 2nd
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 4th
10am Holy Communion
Sunday 9th
9am Holy Communion
10.00am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 11th
10am Holy Communion
Sunday 16th
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
Tuesday 18th
10am Holy Communion
SUNDAY 23rd
9am Holy Communion
10am Parish Communion
6.30pm Evening Prayer
TUESDAY 25th
10am Holy Communion
SUNDAY 30th
FIFTH SUNDAY – ONE SERVICE ONLY
10am PARISH COMMUNION
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August Church Roof Gulley update.
As I write, this work is, apart from some small jobs completed. These final jobs are to remove a wasps nest tucked away in a corner of the east end wall where it meets the roof, complete a small area of flashing at the belcote and finally remove the scaffolding. All rubbish has been removed from the site apart from a small amount of stonework that can be used in the future if required on stone repairs. Smart water has been applied where necessary as an identifier if any metal is removed. This will help deter theft and support traceability in the event of any unauthorised removal.
The photo shows the completed gulley, with the Bede chapel roof to the left and the upper wall of the main nave on the right.
Dare I say we need some rain to test it out !!!!
Bob Willis
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Editor: The Revd Dr Jo White continues her series on aspects of Christianity.
Reflecting Faith: Intercessions
Last month we reflected on the Creed within our service. This month, we consider what comes next.
In the Book of Common Prayer, the Creed and the sermon appear in a different order, but in both traditions intercessions follow. In Common Worship, they come straight after the Creed.
By this point, we may feel we have already prayed a great deal, so what makes intercessions different?
Intercessions focus entirely on the needs of others. They are public prayers, not centred on ‘me’ but on the wider world. They gather the concerns of the Church, the world, our community, those in need, and those who have died, along with those who mourn and as a whole congregation we bring them before God.
They are not, repeat not, a time to slip in a couple of adverts for next week’s summer fair and a prayer for enough volunteers to come forward – please see Mrs Jones after the service – or to tell the congregation of someone’s ill health or funeral arrangements!
These prayers usually follow that order, though sometimes in reverse. Either way, there is a clear pattern that helps the congregation engage. We may begin broadly with the world and move towards the local and personal, or we can start close to home and widen our view.
For example, with a theme such as farming, intercessions might include churches in rural communities worldwide, countries dependent on food production, government ministers responsible for agriculture and fisheries, local farmers and food workers, and those in need or recently bereaved within the community.
Style matters as much as content. These are the prayers of the people, so they should use language that feels natural and accessible. Often, simplicity works best.
This month
Listen carefully to the intercessions when you attend a service. Do they follow a clear, engaging pattern? Is the language accessible? Which prayers stay with you through the week? Who leads them, and from where?
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By David Pickup, a solicitor,
Copyright and you
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ. (Phil 1:9-11)
It is not always easy to discern what is best or tell genuine from false. A friend of mine asked me for some advice about a letter she had received. The document was from a firm of lawyers in Europe seeking a large amount of compensation for misuse of copyright in the UK. The lawyers claimed that a professional photographer’s picture had appeared on a website without the owner’s permission. A lot of money was claimed but if they responded immediately they could settle for a reduced amount.
Copyright is legal right that protects the use of your work. For example, it protects a writer from anyone else copying their work and selling copies. It also applies to photographs. You do not need to be a professional to get copyright protection, and remember it is the person that takes the photograph who gets the rights, so if someone takes a photo of my house, they own the copyright, not me, even though it is my house.
If you have a website, whether you design it yourself or get someone else to, you must check that any pictures are available and not in copyright. Do not assume that because a photograph is on a website that it is out of copyright. If you publish a parish magazine always consider if you have the right permission to use illustrations. Ask who took the photo and print a credit such as ‘thanks to Joe Bloggs for photo of flower festival’. If it is an illustration from a website, ask permission first.
As always, this is a complex area of law so get advice.
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August Crossword
Across
8 One of the titles given to the Messiah (Isaiah 9) (6,2,5)
9 International Nepal Fellowship (1,1,1)
10 Single (1Corinthians7) (9)
11 Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s seminal book, The — Archipelago (5)
13 Treachery (2Kings11) (7)
16 Of India (anag.)(2,3,2)
19 ‘Like men condemned to die in the — ’ (1 Corinthians 4) (5)
22 Follower of a theological system characterized by a strong belief in predestination (9)
24 ‘Put these under your arms to— the ropes’ (Jeremiah 38) (3)
25 They brought together all the elders (Exodus 4) (5,3,5)
Down
1 The season when kings ‘go off to war’ (2 Samuel 11) (6)
2 ‘Go away from me, Lord; I am a — man’ (Luke 5) (6)
3 Beaten with whips (1 Kings12) (8)
4 ‘You shall not — adultery’ (Exodus 20) (6)
5 Encourage (Hebrews 10) (4)
6 Service of morning prayer in the Church of England (6)
7 ‘And — — him in your heart by faith with thanksgiving’ (4,2)
12 Run(anag.) (3)
14 Member of 17th-century party that denied the right of autonomy to the Church (8)
15 ‘We—our lips’ (Psalm12) (3)
16 Earnings (1Corinthians16) (6)
17 ‘That——you have renewed your concern for me’ (Philippians 4) (2,4)
18 How Paul described Philemon (Philemon 1) (6)
20 Multiple territories under the rule of a single state (Daniel11) (6)
21 ‘You have married foreign women,—to Israel’s guilt’ (Ezra 10) (6)
23 This month (abbrev.) (4)
July Answers
ACROSS: 1, Wife. 3, To battle. 8, Obal. 9, Disciple. 11, Bitterness. 14, Niacin. 15, Attain. 17, Passionate. 20, Tertiary.
21, Meet. 22, Weakness. 23, Deer.
DOWN: 1, Woodbine. 2, Feast day. 4, Orient. 5, Accusation. 6, Type. 7, Eyes. 10, Dedication. 12, Gadarene.
13, Ancestor. 16, Esdras. 18, Stew. 19, Area.
Winners P Warren
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August Anagrams
PUB NAMES IN YORKSHIRE
Rearrange these letters to form the names of 12 pubs in Yorkshire.
All right, let's narrow it down a bit. Firstly, they all begin with The. Secondly, each one includes the name of a mammal,
or, in one case, a bird. And lastly, some of them include the word Inn.
Answers may consist of either three or four words.
1. O SHYE BATHER 2. BILL BUCHAN KLENT 3. EH NO TAX FUND DOSH 4. OH THURD EXAM
5. DONT HUG DENGA 6. BLAKE CHILTON 7. FINCHALE TONN 8. THE BANKS CLAW
9. TATTA CHEF 10. ON THE RIDLE 11. HEAR THE THIN TWIN 12. SEARCH THE BLOK
Compiled by Peter Warren
July Anagram Answers
BALLROOM DANCES: Answers
1. PASO DOBLE 2. QUICKSTEP 3. JITTERBUG 4. LINDY HOP 5. ARGENTINE TANGO
6. BOSSA NOVA 7. CHARLESTON 8. SALSA 9. VIENNESE WALTZ 10. POLKA
Winner:
Send your answers with your name to the editors.
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August Sudoku
July Answer
Winner Jack Thompson
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150 years on, Mothers’ Union is a “powerhouse” –
Archbishop of Canterbury
The Mother’s Union is celebrating its 150th anniversary. At a recent service in St Paul’s Cathedral, the Archbishop of Canterbury said she had seen first-hand the profound impact” of its work in communities around the world, “in family life, healthcare, education, social projects — challenging poverty, injustice and violence. . . In fact, I often say, if I need something doing, ask the Mothers’ Union to do it.”
Her sermon on Ephesians had asked: “How do we sustain ourselves as we serve? How do we nourish our own spiritual, mental, and physical well-being, whilst we are tending to the needs of others?”
The answer, she suggested, lay in St Paul’s words: “I pray that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love. I pray that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”
She continued. “May you know the depth of God’s love in the grass-roots work that you do throughout the world. May you know the breadth of God’s love as you strive to serve this global movement.
“You are salt to our world, in the ordinary, everyday ways you make such a difference to the people you serve, and in the fellowship that you offer to one another.”
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David Pickup considers clocks
When the time is wrong
See then that ye walk circumspectly, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5, 15-16)
There is something that really irritates me in church. The clock is wrong. It is always five minutes fast. I do not mean the clock in the tower, that has not worked for years. There is a wall clock at the back of the church. It must have been put there for the service leader to tell when to start.
At our school there was always a bell which sounded when to change lessons. The bell rang and the pupils put away their books and got up to go to the next lesson. This used to really annoy the teacher who shouted, “that is a bell for me, not you!”
I do not know why no-one in our church has put the time right. What are churchwardens doing? Perhaps I am wrong and they have tried. The good thing is that at nine o’clock or five to nine, the leader of matins has the option of giving it another few minutes for others to come in. Or, if I had a meeting I could end five minutes early and no-one would be the wiser!
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Where are we all?
Almost half the world’s population, 45% of us, live in cities of at least 50,000 people.
A third of us, 36%, live in towns of 5,000 to 50,000, and the remaining 19% of us live in rural areas.
The population in the UK has dropped -3.2% since 2020. The decline has happened in England and Wales (-3.1%), Scotland (-2.2%) and N Ireland (-10.4%). It may be due to a combination of the effects of Covid, the increasing number of abortions, the rising cost of living, economic insecurity, and women wanting a career of their own. (Figures from the Office for National Statistics.)
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Musician puts New Testament into song
In what he believes could be a world first, a musician associated with the Rivers Team, in Sheffield, has put the entire New Testament into song, word for word. The Sing Bible has been a self-funded labour of love for Rob Bromehead, who wanted to “help people hear Scripture in a new and memorable way”.
He says: “I started messing around with AI. I began with some memory verses and was blown away with how it worked with the words,” he said. “I felt it was a calling from God.”
The New Testament and the Psalms are available free on streaming platforms, including Spotify and Apple Music. Go to: thesingbible.com
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Editor: The Revd Dr Gary Bowness continues his tongue-in-cheek letters from ‘Uncle Eustace’…
The Rectory
St James the Least of All
My dear Nephew Darren
I was delighted to hear that you have been made chairman of the Missionary Sub-committee; it should help you to hone your skills in appearing to encourage committee members to contribute while ensuring that they only say the things you want to hear. It is a skill that needs not a little practice; democracy only works if all the important decisions have been made beforehand.
However, do remember that sub-committees are only formed in order either to kill an idea stone dead, or to give the chairman of the main committee some time to decide what he wants, since he isn’t sure how to handle the issue at that moment. I formed a sub-committee in 1999 to discuss Miss Fothergill’s suggestion of creating a ‘water feature’ on the Rector’s Glebe land, as a way of celebrating the Millennium. More than 25 years later, we are still actively discussing the idea.
I noted at the time that no one wanted the thing on their own land. It’s significant that whenever people suggest some imposing edifice, they always think it will be most appropriate either in the Rector’s garden, or in some public place, well out of sight of their own homes.
While the Water Feature Group has been working away tirelessly, and endless masons and architects have been approached, a suitable design has yet to be presented. It looks as if a suggestion will eventually be considered by my hundredth successor as we enter the third Millennium. That is the customary rate of progress for St James the Least, which I find entirely satisfactory.
The procedure for decision-making is always the same: after enormous effort, the sub-committee will produce a carefully worded report, which will be circulated round all members of the church council. At the next meeting, they will be thanked profusely for all their hard work, and the matter will be discussed at great length. It will then be proposed that the final decision will be taken at the next meeting, after everyone has had time to consider the matter more thoroughly.
Come the next meeting, the item will somehow fail to appear on the agenda, and when it is raised in Any Other Business, it will be pointed out that it is now far too late in the evening to tackle such an important issue. From then on, you can be assured, it will sink without trace.
Always remember the golden rule: a church committee meeting consists of a body of people waiting to go home.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
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Canon Paul Hardingham considers,
Summer Holidays
The story is told of porters who were hired to carry a group’s possessions on a jungle safari. The pace increased until the head porter called a halt: ‘We’ve come so far, so fast we need to take a break and allow our souls to catch up with our bodies!’
How often do we feel like this? August is a month when many of us take time off. Jesus and His disciples often made ‘strategic withdrawals’ from the crowds: ‘because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, Jesus said to them, “Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest”.’ (Mark 6: 31,32).
Jesus saw how tired and stressed His disciples were and wanted to give them a break in their busy lives. He loved them and cared about their wellbeing. He longs to do the same with us, so that we can restore the balance of work, rest and play in our lives. Going on holiday gives us the opportunity to take time off, to let go the burdens that we carry every day and receive again His rest for our souls: ‘Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’(Matthew 11:28).
The story is told of the aged Apostle John playing with doves. A passing hunter expressed surprise at what a man as pious as John was doing. John pointed to the bow in the hunter’s hand and asked him why he carried it with a loosened string. The hunter replied, ‘it loses its strength unless it is given the chance to unbend’. John replied, ‘why are you surprised that a servant of Christ should not relax to keep himself stronger for his work?’
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Canon Paul Hardingham continues his series on the books of the Bible.
What’s the Big Idea?
An Introduction to the Books of the New Testament: 2 Thessalonians
Paul wrote 2 Thessalonians from Corinth, after Silas and Timothy had returned from delivering 1 Thessalonians, in AD 51/52. His purpose in writing this letter was largely the same as the first, as the situation in the church remained largely unchanged. He writes to encourage new believers facing persecution (1:4-10), to correct a misunderstanding concerning the Lord’s return (2:1-12) and to deal with the problems caused by some who refused to earn their own living (2:13-3:15).
The theme of the second coming of Jesus dominates 2 Thessalonians as with his first letter. When Jesus comes, He will defeat the ‘man of lawlessness’ (2:8) and bring justice to oppressed Christians and judge their persecutors and unbelievers (1:5-10; 2:9-15). Paul was challenging the false belief that ‘the day of the Lord has come’, leaving the Thessalonians shaken and frightened (2:1-2). As they were undergoing intense persecution, they thought that the second coming was imminent. Furthermore, the community contained believers who refused to work. They may have decided to stop working and await the second coming of Jesus. However, they may have been exploiting wealthier Christians’ generosity in order to avoid work.
Paul’s prayer for the Thessalonians is one that we can truly share in our own circumstances, as we also live in an uncertain world: ‘With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of His calling, and that by His power He may fulfil every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.’ (1:11&12)
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By the Revd Roy Shaw, a retired but active priest in the diocese of York, where he is a spiritual director.
Just Listen!
Techno-dinosaur and curmudgeon that I am, I have clung to my old plug-in satnav for far too long. It has finally given up the ghost, and I have listened to the superior wisdom of Madame-my-wife, and started to use my smartphone, held in place via a holder on the car’s dash, to navigate around areas I’m not familiar with.
Except of course, this morning, I thought I knew better than the info on the phone which advised an unusual route as I set off in the direction of my hydrotherapy session. (Techno-dinosaur, curmudgeon AND falling to bits- what a combination!). And ran into a long traffic queue at the new and extensive road works in the next village. Serves me right.
There’s value in listening to someone who knows. The data on the phone had already taken into account the fact that the traffic queue would make me late, and had re-routed me away from the bottleneck. But curmudgeonly dinosaurs often think they know better- to their cost.
The art is, of course, in knowing who knows best. There are many false guides in this world, but it is the witness of Christians throughout time and throughout the world that listening to God- in prayer, or through His word- is a trusted way of navigating our way through today’s world where many voices clamour for our attention, not all of which are trustworthy.
That great Welsh hymn ‘Guide me O thou great Jehovah’ is one of many which sings of our trust in God to guide us. It talks of being pilgrims through a land without waymarks, and it asks God to ‘hold me with Thy powerful hand’. Here is Someone who knows and who is worth listening to. God Himself has said ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’ (Hebrews 13:5; we can trust the One who will not leave us to guide us down good paths. It’s a life-time’s work to learn to trust in God, but we can improve, we can know the One who says ‘My sheep know My voice’ more clearly.
May God guide us on all our journeys, and be a lamp unto our feet, and a light unto our path.
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When John Lennon said the Beatles were ‘more popular than Jesus’
It was 60 years ago, on 4th and 5th August 1966 that US newspapers and radio stations quoted John Lennon as saying his Beatles band was “more popular than Jesus.” It provoked widespread protests across America.
The story had really begun some months earlier, when in March Lennon’s comment was originally published in the London Evening Standard, as part of an interview that he had given at his home in Weybridge. He had told the reporter: “Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now. I don’t know which will go first, rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right, but His disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”
Lennon’s views passed without much comment in London, but five months later, when his comment was reprinted in the American teen magazine Datebook, he sparked an enormous wave of fury across America, especially in the Bible Belt.
Many radio stations refused to play Beatle’s records, and protestors held public burnings of Beatles records.
Lennon apologised on 12th August, at the start of the Beatles final tour of the USA, saying that he had not meant to say that he was divine, but only that his band was now more popular than Jesus was.
Such a claim did not soothe American sensibilities. Throughout the tour, the band faced pickets and protests and even death threats.
By the end of the American tour, the controversy had driven the band to a big decision. There would be no more live tours, but only studio recordings. Just over three years later, in September 1969, John Lennon left the Beatles for solo work, and the following Spring, Paul McCartney followed him out. The Beatles had reached the end of the road.
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The infamous Berlin Wall
It was 65 years ago, on 13th August 1961 that East Germany first sealed the border between East and West Berlin with barbed wire. Construction on the Berlin Wall itself began two days later, on 15th August.
The Wall grew rapidly to become a 96-mile (155km) concrete barrier. It became the physical embodiment of the Iron Curtain for the next 28 years. It was built to stop the ‘brain drain’ of East German skilled professionals. From 1949 to 1961, more than two million had fled the East.
The Wall entirely surrounded West Berlin, stranding it as an isolated island of capitalism within communist East Germany.
It was actually two walls, separated by a heavily fortified ‘death strip’ 160 yards wide. It housed watchtowers, guard dog runs and anti-vehicle trenches.
The Wall was a surprise. East German residents woke up one morning to find barbed wire, armed guards and blocks on subways, streets and train lines. The East German border guards had the ‘Order to Shoot’ – the legal authority to kill anyone attempting to cross. About 140 people died this way.
Yet still thousands escaped. More than 5,000, in fact. They fled by tunnelling, hot air balloons, ziplines, and ramming armoured vehicles through border gates.
When in June of 1963 US President John F Kennedy visited the Wall, he made the famous declaration “Ich bin ein Berliner” (I am a Berliner) to demonstrate American solidarity with West Germany.
The Wall was unexpectedly opened on 9th November 1989, due to an awkward, unscripted announcement by an East German official, who mistakenly told a press conference that private travel to West Germany was permitted immediately.
Following demolition, large chunks of the Wall were sold. Today, original segments are exhibited in over 100 locations worldwide, including the Imperial War Museum in London.
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We love our trains – if and when they finally arrive
Trains are soaring in popularity. We are taking more railway journeys now than we have for 100 years.
In just April and May last year alone, we made a staggering 1.83 billion journeys by rail, according to the Office of Rail and Road (ORR).
That is the highest level of train usage since 1920, when in a two-month period, our grandparents made 2.18 billion journeys.
But there is bad news: train punctuality is woeful. Last year, more trains missed their scheduled arrival times than at any time since Covid.
The ORR’s director of planning and performance, says: “As more people are using the railway, it’s important to have a relentless focus in ensuring trains are punctual and reliable as possible.”
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Our favourite butterfly
The colourful peacock butterfly is our favourite, according to a recent poll.
The butterflies, with their striking colours and ‘eye-spots’ designed to fend off predators, beat 59 other British species in the vote run by Butterfly Conservation.
More than 20,000 votes were cast across the UK, with a rainbow of colourful species making up the top five.
The orange-tip butterfly came a close second to the peacock, followed by red admirals in third, holly blues in fourth and the bright yellow brimstone butterfly in fifth.
Butterfly Conservation, a wildlife charity, declared a “butterfly emergency” in 2024 as numbers recorded during the annual count fell to a record low.
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12th August – the day a solar eclipse will darken
the skies of Western Europe
12th August will be the first total solar eclipse in mainland Europe since 1999. And many churches in the UK see it as a big opportunity for outreach.
On 12th August, the Moon will pass between the Earth and the Sun, blocking sunlight for over two minutes. Some areas like northern Spain, Greenland and Iceland will experience a total eclipse, but here in the UK there will still be a partial eclipse. Europe won’t see a total eclipse again until 2090.
The Methodist Church says: “The eclipse will provide a great opportunity for churches.
“Holding community viewing events for the eclipse will allow churches to meet new people and delight in the beauty of creation while engaging in gentle, relational faith-sharing.
“There are many ways to get involved – whether in a church garden or at the top of a local hill, by hosting a lively family barbecue or a space for quiet reflection, it’s a chance for science and faith dialogue or discussions about wellbeing.
“The key is to take this opportunity, a moment when people’s openness to the divine might be elevated, to speak something of the love of Jesus – through actions and words – to the people we meet.
More info at: 
https://www.methodist.org.uk/for-churches/evangelism-growth/practise-evangelism/day-of-outreach/
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Hot and humid – what to do with those amber and yellow health alerts
This year the UK Health Security Agency has issued a series of amber and yellow health alerts across the UK. Heatwaves can kill people, the Met Office has issued advice on how to keep safe in extreme temperatures.
Stay hydrated – drink plenty of water
Avoid any exercise between 11am and 3pm, when the sun is strongest
Close curtains in rooms that face the sun
Wear sunscreen and a hat when outside.
Remember that even on very hot days, the water in lakes and the sea is still very cold. The Royal National Lifeboat Institution warns that entering it suddenly “can lead to cold water shock, causing a sudden increase in breathing and heart rate, which may trigger panic.”
- Tilt your head back, so that your ears are submerged
- Relax and control your breathing
- You may need to gently use your hands to help you stay afloat
- It’s OK if your legs sink — everyone floats differently.
If you find yourself in trouble in cold water, remember to Float to Live.
Where possible, choose a lifeguarded beach, and swim between the red and yellow flags.
In a coastal emergency remember to call 999 for the coastguard.
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John Henry Newman, priest and Tractarian
John Henry Newman (1801 – 1890) was a highly influential 19th-century theologian, scholar and poet.
Born in London in 1801, the son of a banker, Newman had an evangelical conversion when he was just 15. He went on to Oxford in 1817, and in time became Fellow and then a tutor at Oriel College. Here he began the shift from evangelical Anglicanism to a more High Church understanding of the Christian faith. In 1826 he was ordained and became Vicar of St Mary’s Oxford.
In the years that followed, Newman became a key leader in the Oxford Movement, whose aim was to renew the C of E by reviving ancient Catholic beliefs and traditions. He pioneered Tracts of the Times, writing three of the first four himself. He came to exalt the Church Fathers as on the same level as Scripture, believing that the Anglican Church was mistaken to insist on Scripture as the sole authority. Church and tradition, he felt, played an equal part.
Whereas other leaders of the Oxford Movement always remained Anglicans, by the time that Tract Ninety was published, Newman was losing faith in the C of E. In 1842 he retired from Oxford, left St Mary’s in 1843.
In 1845 he was received into the Roman Catholic Church, and in Rome he was ordained priest and entered the Congregation of the Oratory. Returning to England, he established an Oratory near Birmingham and lived there most of the remainder of his life
In 1854 he founded the Catholic University of Ireland (University College Dublin. In 1877 Pope Leo XIII made him a cardinal.
In addition to all this theological work, John Henry Newman loved poetry. He wrote many hymns, the most famous of which include: ‘Firmly I Believe and Truly’, ‘Lead, Kindly Light’ and ‘Praise to the Holiest in the Height’. He also authored dozens of books. He died on 11th August 1890.
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Why you may be killing your houseplants
You see a lovely plant at the garden centre and bring it home. Within weeks you are watching it die. Why? There are eight possible reasons.
- Over- or under-watering
- Tap water
- Windowsill shock
- Toxic cleaning products
- Build-up of dust
- Light and shade
- Watering from overhead.
- Beware little pests
When you water to an arbitrary schedule of your own (e.g. on your day off), rather than when the plant actually wants it.
Over-watering gives the plant ‘wet feet’, which can end in root rot. Under-watering stresses the plant, leading to leaf and flower loss.
Some plants simply cannot handle the fluoride and chlorine in our tap water. They will do better with filtered water or rainwater.
That sunny windowsill can turn very cold overnight, and chill your plant’s leaves and flowers. Slide your plant about four inches back from the pane, so that the roots are kept in ‘room air’ and not subjected to cold glass each night. And be aware that leaving your plants on the sill after you draw the curtains is to abandon them to the coldest pocket of the room.
Some cleaning products are designed to break down organic material. So, if you spray them into the air, rather than onto a cloth, particles land on your plant’s leaves and begin destroying them.
Dust on leaves can block the sunlight the plant needs to photosynthesise. So, consider spraying or wiping the leaves every few weeks.
Plants vary a lot on this. If your plant is leaning towards the window, it wants more light. If it is scorched or faded, it wants more shade.
Not always a good idea, because if water gets trapped around the plant base, it can rot the plant. Many gardeners prefer bottom-watering instead – adding tepid water to the base of the pot so that the roots can drink as much as they like.
If strange designs are appearing on your plant’s leaves, or if they look exhausted and discoloured, the culprits are usually gnats, thrips, mealybugs or spider mites. Your local garden centre will have advice or treatments on how to dispatch each one of them.
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Don’t drive fast with your windows down
It can damage your hearing. So say experts from Boots Hearingcare and MoneySuperMarket.
The hot scorching weather of recent weeks can make it tempting to want to feel the wind on your face, but it does your hearing no good at all.
Experts warn that at 70mph, the wind noise inside a car can hit 90-100db, exceeding the level of power tools and just below that of a concert.
An audiologist from Boots warns: “Even just 15 minutes of driving at levels of 100dB can be harmful to someone’s ears. At high noise levels, your ears and brain are constantly working harder just to pick up conversations, the radio and even external noises like car horns and sirens. That extra effort can lead to listening fatigue.”
And Department for Transport data shows that distraction or impairment played a role in 34 per cent of fatal collisions in 2024, the last year for which data is available.
Alicia Hempsted, an insurance expert at MoneySuperMarket, said: “Distracted driving is one of the leading causes of accidents on UK roads, and noise is a distraction that doesn’t get nearly enough attention.”
So, she recommends closing the windows and using air conditioning when travelling above 50mph. For those drivers without air-con, open your windows partially, rather than fully, to reduce direct wind turbulence and protect your hearing.
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What is the scariest thing you can see on a motorway?
Someone driving TOWARDS you, at speed.
You may think that is a next to impossible thing to have happen, but recent National Highways figures reveal that last year 947 drivers managed to drive the WRONG way down the motorway, straight into the path of oncoming vehicles.
That is an average of 18 a week. And overall, the numbers are increasing, up from 729 about five years ago.
Steve Gooding, director of the RAC Foundation, has called for motorway designers to do more to stop drivers making mistakes. “To think anyone could drive the wrong way on to a motorway heading into fast-moving traffic is truly the stuff of nightmares.
“The fact that nearly 1,000 drivers did just that in the last 12 months both chills the blood and makes the case for demanding our highway engineers up their game to prevent drivers mistaking the off-ramp for a slip road.
“Whether the answer lies in reconfiguring junctions or in technology – slip-road sensors that trigger roadside warnings or in-vehicle alerts – there’s clearly work to be done to establish what’s going wrong and to fix it.”
The AA also points the finger at driver impairment, usually caused by drink, drugs or fatigue.
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The Story of Apple Inc
It was just 15 years ago, on 24th August 2011, that Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple Inc because of ill health. (Pancreatic tumour.)
Steve Jobs died on 5th October, but he left behind a company which has transformed how modern society interacts with digital technology.
Apple Inc was born in a garage in California on April Fool’s Day in 1976. There were three founders: Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne (who left early in the project).
In 1976 the first Apple 1 computer sold for a highly unusual price: $666.66. Wozniak just said he “liked repeating numbers”.
The famous bitten apple logo was not the company’s first. The first had shown Sir Isaac Newton under a tree, with an apple about to fall on his head.
The famous bite out of the apple was apparently included to provide scale, so that people did not think the logo was of a cherry or tomato.
Though Steve Jobs was forced out of Apple in 1985, he returned in 1997, when Apple purchased his company NeXT.
In 2003 Apple iTunes was launched. By 2013 it had sold a staggering 25 billion songs.
In 2007 Steve Jobs unveiled the iPhone. It has redefined the global smartphone market and made Apple one of the most valuable brands in the world.
In 2008 the App Store was launched alongside the iPhone 3G. It started with 500 apps and has grown to literally millions. It is one of Apple’s biggest revenue drivers.
In 2018 Apple became the world’s first $1 trillion publicly traded company. Its valuation frequently exceeds the Gross Domestic Products (GDP) of several major European and Middle Eastern countries.
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Book Review
Living the Autumn of Life: Walking through retirement beginnings and endings
By George Lings, BRF, £12.99
Autumn is a time of gains and losses: fruit being harvested, and leaves falling. This book charts the experience of living through both realities, drawn from the author’s own life and from the views of interviewees.
Informed by historic and contemporary reading, it offers snapshots of later life, taken against a backdrop of ageism in society and church. George Lings reflects on the identity of the ‘active elderly’, and also considers through a biblical lens the challenges and opportunities that this season brings.
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All in the month of August
It was:
250 years ago, on 2nd August 1776 that the formal signing of the US Declaration of Independence took place.
175 years ago, on 12th August 1851 that the American inventor Isaac Singer was granted a US Patent for his sewing machine. Since then, well over 100 million various models of Singer sewing machines have been sold worldwide.
Also 175 years ago, on 22nd August 1851 that the first America’s Cup yacht race was held. That first event was a race around the Isle of Wight, won by the American schooner America. The trophy was then named in honour of the first year’s winner. The race is the oldest still-operating international sporting competition in any event.
150 years ago, on 7th August 1876 that the birth of Mata Hari, Dutch exotic dancer and courtesan was born. She was convicted of spying for Germany during WW1 and executed by the French in 1917.
125 years ago, on 4th August 1901 that Louis Armstrong, American jazz trumpeter and singer, was born.
100 years ago, on 17th August 1926 that George Melly, British jazz/blues singer, critic and writer on art history, especially Pop Art and Surrealism, was born.
90 years ago, on 1st August 1936 that Yves Saint-Laurent, Algerian-born French fashion designer, was born. (Died 2008)
80 years ago, on 13th August 1946 that H G Wells, British science fiction novelist (War of the Worlds, The Time Machine, etc) died.
Also 70 years ago, on 27th August 1956 that Britain’s first nuclear power station, Calder Hall in Cumbria, began operating. It was the first nuclear power station in the world to generate power on an industrial scale and formed part of the Sellafield complex. Closed in 2003.
65 years ago, on 13th August 1961 that East Germany sealed the border between East and West Berlin with barbed wire to prevent an exodus of refugees to the West. Construction on the Berlin Wall began on 15th August. The border reopened in 1989.
60 years ago, on 1st August 1966 that the Cultural Revolution began in China. Intended to preserve China’s Maoist Communist ideology, millions of people were persecuted or displaced. It ended after Mao Zedong’s death in 1976.
Also 60 years ago, on 4th and 5th August 1966 that US newspapers and radio stations quoted John Lennon as saying his Beatles band was “more popular than Jesus.” He provoked widespread protests, and many radio stations refused to play Beatles’ records. Lennon apologised on 12th August, at the start of the Beatles final tour of the USA.
50 years ago, on 7th August 1976 that NASA’s Viking 2 spacecraft went into orbit around Mars. In two years it orbited Mars about 700 times and sent back 16,000 images.
40 years ago, on 9th August 1986 that the rock band Queen performed its final live concert at Knebworth Park before the death of singer Freddie Mercury. (Pneumonia, late 1991.)
40 years ago, on 31st August 1986 that Henry Moore, British sculptor, died. His monumental, semi-abstract bronze sculptures are displayed in public spaces around the world.
30 years ago, on 23rd August 1996 that Saudi Arabian-born terrorist Osama bin Laden issued a fatwa entitled A Declaration of War Against the Americans Occupying the Land of the Two Holy Places. Few people knew who he was, and his declaration received little attention.
Also 30 years ago, on 28th August 1996 that Prince Charles and Princess Diana were divorced after 15 years of marriage.
15 years ago, on 21st August 2011 that Hurricane Irene hit the Caribbean and then North Carolina. 49 people were killed and more than $14 billion worth of damage was done.
Also 15 years ago, on 24th August 2011 that Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple Inc because of ill health. (Pancreatic tumour, died 5th October.)
10 years ago, on 29th August 2016 that Gene Wilder, American film actor, died. (Films include Willy Wonker and the Chocolate Factory and Blazing Saddle.)
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Smile Lines
Whispers
A young curate lost his voice at the local football match one Saturday and being due to preach the next morning, he thought he should call in and consult his vicar. So, he rang the vicarage bell, and the door was answered by a very attractive teenage daughter. “Is your dad here?” the curate managed to whisper.
“No,” she whispered back, thinking she had got the message. “Come on in!”
Won’t go far
The curate went to the building society about his investments, adding: “We want to know how far afield we can go for our holiday.”
Handing him his statement the cashier enquired very gently: “Have you got a field at the back of your garden, sir?”
Nearly omnipotent
The curate was giving his young daughter a cuddle before she went to bed. As he picked her up and hugged her tight, she said: “Daddy, you’re so strong! I really think you’ll be God one day!”
Slow
A curate consistently arrived late for work until his long-suffering vicar asked him what was wrong. “My problem,” explained the curate, “is that I sleep very slowly.”
**
Where are we?
When Columbus started out, he didn’t know where he was going. When he got there, he didn’t know where he was. When he got back, he didn’t know where he had been. And he did it all on other people’s money. Can’t help thinking that Columbus reminds me of some teenagers who go on family holidays…
**
Sky at night
The scientific theory that I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
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Sky fright
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon bumping around in the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him for comfort. “Can’t you do something?” she demanded.
“I’m sorry ma’am,” said the reverend gently. “I’m in sales, not management.”
**
Staying power
Hospital patient’s comment about a neighbour: “He can stay longer in an hour than most people do in a week.”
**
“Dear Mr Minister…
– I know God loves everybody but then He never met my sister. – Arnold, age 8.
– Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. – Pete, age 9.
– My father should be a minister. Every day he gives me a sermon about something. – Robert Anderson, age 11.
– I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? – Patty, age 10.
– My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week, even if she has a cold. – Annette, age 9.
– I would like to go to heaven someday, because I know my brother won’t be there. -Stephen, age 8.
– I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. – Loreen, age 9.
– Please say a prayer for our local team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. – Alexander, age 10.
– My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to, because we have enough rules already in my house. – Joshua, age 10
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. – Carla, age 10
**
What do they teach them in school these days?!
The following excerpts are 10- and 11-year-old answers to history tests and Sunday school quizzes. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully and enjoy the grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, the spelling!
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hotel. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then, no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handle was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Bethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don’t know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long, people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God’s days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don’t get it.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
**
The reason
On the headstone of a hypochondriac: “See?”
**
Tortoise
Martin was a slow-working employee and found it difficult to hold a job. Finally, he found work at the Zoo. The zookeeper, aware of his reputation, assigned him to the tortoise section. Later, the zookeeper dropped by and found Martin standing by an empty enclosure. “Where are the tortoises?” the zookeeper asked.
“I can’t believe it!” said Martin. “I just opened the door and then … Whooooosh!”
**
Careful
Be careful or you’ll end up in the sermon.
**
Quotes from children
“Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and head teachers.” – Donna, age 9
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.” – Rob, age 8
“Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God’s Bill of Wrongs.” – Susie, age 7
“Doctors automatically know what’s wrong with you. They have a sick sense.” – Beau, age 10
**
You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says, “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”
**
Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
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If you love someone, let them nap.
**
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The views expressed in this magazine are those of the contributors and do not necessarily reflect those of St Mary's, it's clergy, the Church of England
or the Editors.